"Onward Christian Wan-kerrrs..."

And then, to the surprise of virtually no one, another self-proclaimed defender of Christian values and bug-eyed crusader against anyone - particularly if they happen to be gay - who doesn't choose to cleave to that narrow a worldview is arrested for being a miserable goddamned kiddie-peeping pervert.

Yes m'readers, it seems that the Reverend Grant Storms of Metairie, LA, who has, for the past ten years, led a small congregation of moralistic yo-yos called the Reformer Church, and who has apparently made quite the name for himself by bringing his brood with him to gay-friendly events and screaming religious-tinged invective at people through a bullhorn... well, evidently this latest and greatest of God's Chosen Ones (which is news, I'm quite sure, to any deity matching God's general description) has gotten himself into a bit of a pickle... involving, as it were, his pickle. Let's go to the New Orleans Times-Picayune for details:

The Rev. Grant Storms, the Christian fundamentalist known for his bullhorn protests of the Southern Decadence festival in the French Quarter, was arrested on a charge of masturbating at a Metairie park Friday afternoon.

Hel-LO SAILOR!! Tell us more!

Storms, 53, of 2304 Green Acres Road in Metairie, was taken into custody at Lafreniere Park after two women reported seeing him masturbating in the driver's seat of his van, which was parked near the carousel and playground, a Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Office report said.

Carousel? Playground?! Naw... couldn't be...

The first woman told deputies she was taking her children to the playground and parked next to the van at about noon. As she was walking around her own vehicle, she noticed the van windows were down and the occupant was "looking at the playground area that contained children playing, with his zipper down...," the report said. The woman noted that he was masturbating and quickly ushered her children out of her car.

She told a second woman, who walked to the van and also spotted the man masturbating, the report said. The second witness told deputies that the driver saw her and tried to conceal the zipper area of his pants with his hand.

Puh-RAYSE the LOR-DUH!!!

All right, let's review: Some asshole spends his life self-righteously obsessed with other people's sex lives, leads others in a crusade to loudly and incessantly hassle these aforementioned other people, and he then ends up getting busted for jerking off to a playground full of kids.

Is anyone even mildly surprised by this?

Shouldn't somebody have gotten the hint that this guy was seriously twinked in the ol' melon when his entire iPod turned out to be filled with nothing but various and sundry versions of "Jesus Loves The Little Children"?

Was a red flag not wildly waving above this guy's head when the scoop-master at last year's Reformer Church Annual Fag Bash and Ice Cream Social asked him his favorite flavor and he replied "Toddler," before quickly stammering something about "godforsaken Papists" and then running off into the night?

Evidently not.

And so, this bastion of Christian moral values ends up sitting in a van next to a playground, squeezing his Jesus juice into a sock whilst watching God's children at play. Horrified mothers call the cops on him, and he gets to ply his self-described "Christian Patriot" trade behind bars... for a day or so, anyway. Evidently there were too many truly dangerous criminals like pot smokers and weekend drunks in the slammer, and they couldn't take up valuable cell space with a mere pedophile. So, the good Reverend was released back unto his flock.

Just in time for the obligatory Weeping Street Interview.

And here we go, right on cue... the schmuck is denying something nobody's accusing him of, and then trying to blame the whole thing on pornography.

Storms replied: "There were children, in, in, in, right, yeah, in the park right in front of the van."

However, Storms went on to say: "The impression is that I was out there exposing myself to them, and that's not the case," he told reporters. Storms added, "I was not looking at the children."

Listen, Stormyballs, you didn't get busted for exposing yourself to children, you got busted for parking your van next to a playground and sitting in there jerkin' yer gherkin while watching the kids playing! The kids were in front of you, you were sitting there facing them and slappin' the ol' salami... but you weren't looking at them. Whaddya got on that van there, Spanky? A windshield that's mirrored on the inside? Or is there perhaps just the slightest possibility that, in addition to being an intolerant misanthrope with delusions of religious grandeur and being a pedophile, you're also a two-bit liar? Yeah, I'm sensing a bit of a trend in that direction.

He said his problem is with pornography. "Pornography is destructive and it can ruin a person's life, and it ruined my life."

Uh... yeah. I think most of us have at least a small stash of porn somewhere (others of us, it's not so much a stash as a medium-sized wing of storage lockers) and yes, we flog the ol' floogle to it. Stormyballs here, on the other hand, flogs his to a bunch of KIDS climbing on the goddamned monkeybars!!

Your problem isn't porn, you fucking degenerate. Your problem is obviously that you get turned on by children.

There aren't many constants in this world, but it seems that one of them is that any time you see some self-righteous God jockey going on a crusade against gays or anyone else whose sex lives they don't agree with, you can be pretty goddamned good and sure that they've got sex addiction problems that go way, way beyond whatever they're pointing the finger at others for doing.

All I'm saying is, somebody had damned well better check Rev. Fred Phelps' basement for little child-sized slave cages...